On Butchness

I feel kind of dumb for wanting to be butch. I take ESTROGEN! Whenever I tried to push down the desire to express masculinity, it came roaring back. So I’ve come to embrace it.

I was deeply uncomfortable being a man so I started taking estrogen. Which was a good idea. However, I’ve never really felt like a woman? Like whenever people called me a woman it made me uncomfortable and I feel like they’re talking about someone else.

Recently, I came to out my friends as non binary and asked for them to use It/They for me and that has felt great. I’ve also been exploring dressing more masculine.

In college, I joined a service/honors society for women. Being in a women’s social club made my feelings concrete that I’m not a woman. Something about that hyperfeminine environment was just like really not good for me. I think I made it about two weeks before I stopped going to events.

I think ideally visually I would be read as a masculine woman. That’s sort of what I’m going for. I cut my hair short and I love it. Being trans feminine and butch is challenging because I constantly feel like I’m balancing between being read as not a man and expressing my true self.

Going into a barber shop and asking for a masculine haircut was scary, but the desire was stronger than the fear.

Pinpointing where the desire comes from for me to express masculinity is impossible. All I know is that whenever I try to repress it comes back stronger. So I’m leaning into it and learning to love it and it feels really good.